I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
