I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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