I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
