The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
