I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
