'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
this is an emotional support booty call
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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