got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I would ride that face into the sunset
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
