So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
