I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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