his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
