sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
