Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
God, I missed his penis.
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