Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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