Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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