this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I am one with the molecules
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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