speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
