How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
