Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
