Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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