Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
