saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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