He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
