A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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