Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
