omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
