I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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