my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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