I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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