My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
