there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
