I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
