So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
