Im at strip club and am horny
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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