My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
