I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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