Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
