I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dear god my vagina.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
