I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
