Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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