i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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