I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
