We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
