"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we're making bets on your personal life
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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