I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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