You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
