There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
