My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
