the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
