Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
