How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
