It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
