"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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