I think im going to throw up on grandma
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
