my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
